my life as a crocheter & knitter & working mom

Friday, July 13, 2007

what is with the guilt?

I've been overly anxious and on the verge of tears since last night obsessing about getting on a plane and flying away from B. I know it's guilt and the one-time anxiety jab from Hubby and I being on a plane together. I'm so glad B was huggy this morning and we had a pretty pleasant hour or so before leaving the house. If we'd had an unpleasant morning I'd be going bonkers.

He was a little parrot in the car this morning. He kept repeating every thing I said. And it wasn't that interesting. We were just talking about dropping some mail at the PO before I got on the bus. But when I said "I'll be back in a minute," he said "you be back in a minute." etc...

I've been wanting to get away for weeks now. Just some time away from the constancy of mommy. Now that it's here, I feel like a complete and utter turd for wanting to leave him and I have these fits of terror that are bringing tears to my eyes.

I love him so much and I spend so much time every day not cherishing him because we have to get ready for school, we have to eat, we have to take a bath, we have to get dressed, we have to go to bed, all the have tos wind me up and make it so I can't just be with him.

I take him for granted. He's sweet and silly and funny, and so smart. I've gotten into the habit of asking him to count for me when he says he's done on the potty to keep him from rushing. Today he counted to 20 for me, sort of. He got to 15 right, then he skipped to 20, 21, 22.

I can't believe my three year old can count and knows all his letters. He can even spell his name! I REMEMBER learning my letters in first grade (no, I didn't go to Kindegarten, it wasn't required or provided by the state at the time).

I've been taking Hubby for granted a lot, too. That's what we do to the people we love and live with, we take them for granted. This weekend is about reconnecting with him and recharging to be the wife and mommy they deserve. I know the reconnecting thing is overexposed these days, but when he feels more like a choreboy and roomie than the love of your life, it's time to get away.

At three and a half he's more popular than I've ever been in my whole life. The whole daycare knows him and loves to interact with him. And he's mine and I just can't love him enough.


Amy Lane said...

He's a baby and you're leaving him...of course there's guilt...but you'll still have a great time, and you'll appreciate him even more when you get back... (Okay, for the record...been there, done that with the first set of kids...and I'm just as bad for the second set...just because the above is my mantra to make leaving them somewhere is my mantra, doesn't make it any less true...) Besides, as limited as this cute, adorable phase is, do remember that in a brief 20 years (or more--ask Needletart:-) he'll be up and out of the house. And you and Hubby will just be there...staring at each other...unless you've done something together w/out him in the previous twenty years, it will get very boring. (Another mantra...we need's never easy.)

thordora said...

I appreciate my kids a LOT more when I get away from them.

He sounds like a fantastic little dude that Vivian would love to hang out with. At least he's interested in spelling! Vivian knows her name, but refuses to spell it. Sigh...

Just go, have fun, and squeeze him when you get back.