ruminating

Ruminating usually gets me into trouble. Right now, I'm ruminating on weight loss. Or a decided lack thereof. Last week, when I signed up at the new "gym," I told the lady I wasn't ready to set a weight loss goal. And I'm not. I can tell you that I'm X pounds over a healthy weight, that I'd need to lose X pounds to be at my pre-pregnancy weight, or that I weighed X when I was married. But I can't say that my ulitmate goal is to lose all the weight needed to get me to a "healthy" weight or that I'd be happy to get to X pounds. If I say I want to lose all 124 pounds it would take to get me to the top of the range of "healthy" weights for my height, I'd lose all hope of being able to accomplish such a huge task. If I focus on 10 pounds at a time, I feel I'm not challenging myself enough. If I say, no goals, just healthier, the scale makes me a liar. I know I wasn't 100% on target all of last week. There was wine with dinner Thursday, Saturday and Sunday nights and we had cheeseburgers for dinner on Friday. But, I did go to the "gym" three times and we did a lot of housework (as opposed to my usual weekend sloth routine) and I ate sensibly for all the other meals. So, why am I at the same number on the scale as last Monday? I know it shouldn't matter, but it does. I guess I just have to try harder.

Small victory, the ruminating had me wanting to ditch my healthy lunch so badly , but I stuck with it and ate the damn thing. Hopefully, I'll do the same with my moderate dinner. I resent the hell out of people who can eat anything they damn well choose. And I'm good at resentment. I'm a champion resenter (having an ill sibling growing up can do that when you're not perfect).

I'm not quitting, yet. I'll give it a good try this week. Including no alcohol. If there's no movement on the scale, I'm going to go the kelp route that worked for Samurai. It's ridiculously irritating to weigh the same damn thing after putting in effort as I did after weeks of being a lazy overeater!

Yes, I do know I should go to my doctor. But, short of telling me to eat less and exercise more, what's he going to do?

I do have sock progress. That goal I'm keeping to. One heel and most of the next repeat completed. At this rate, I'll only need three days to finish. (Assuming the first sock, which has been washed and should be dry enough for a try on tonight, fits to my liking.)

I made good progress on the front of Hubby's St. Andrews sweater this weekend, too. I need to knit about an inch and a half a day to have that finished by 11/30. I do find that I've got a manipulative side. I was threatening Hubby with not working on his sweater as a punishment. I can't remember why I was wanting to punish him, but I do remember the threat.